Thoughts and Prayers

I have not written anything for a few days because life got tough the last few days in Ukraine and I have just needed some time to pray and think.  The details of those 2 days are not important but the lessons I learned from all of this will change me forever. 

Wednesday I went to pick up Vika’s visa at the Embassy.  The previous 14 hours had not been the easiest.  I found myself literally on my knees in the waiting room at the Embassy in total surrender to God.  I knew enough then to know this would be the only way.  I am glad no one was in there…who knows if I would have been so bold.  I literally asked God to take my daughter and me and make us both into the women we are supposed to be at the end of this.  That was only the beginning…

Melaney and I had called on dear Vicki earlier that morning asking for guidance.  That led to a trip to the Ark, a Christian retreat for orphans on the outskirts of Kiev.  God must have really wanted us there because otherwise we would have never found it.  There is something so special about finding believers and just being with them…especially after being in Ukraine for so long with none around.  I was completely broken.  I was also tired and I needed words of faith spoken to me…and they were there for me.  What I am going to share with you now are words shared with me by some of the wisest, loving, self-less women I know.  Many things were shared with me that day, but these are the words I cling to.  I pray for anyone walking this journey and questioning yourself or God.  I pray  that you take this to heart.  I also pray that you find the support and love that I did that afternoon in Ukraine.

God ordained my family from the beginning of time.  God knew that Vika was to be my daughter and he allowed her to experience the pain in her life for His ultimate glory…the glory that can come through redemption and the love of a family.  God used ‘screw-ups’ throughout the Bible to accomplish his work.  You know the list…it is long.  Well, add one more screw-up to the list because He is using me for great things now.  I am not qualified to do what He has ordained.  But God doesn’t call the qualified…He qualifies the called.  God is in the midst of creating a beautiful tapestry.  Right now all I can see are the strings and knots on the back and the mistakes and the mess.  But one day, in His time, the tapestry will be turned over to reveal the most beautiful picture that He is creating just for me.  It will be glorious beyond words.  I have to trust Him in this and be patient.  I also know I am not ‘saving’ Vika.  That is not my job…that is a job only for my God.  The reality is that she is saving me in many ways.  Since God ordained this path then the daughter He chose for me is no accident.  There are things God wants to perfect in me and He is going to do that through this process and through this child.  He wants me to die to certain things and I will only be able to do that through complete surrender and by walking this road as a mother to Vika.  God wants me to truly understand the Gospel like I have never understood it before.  God loved me when I was disgusting, wordly, and ruined.  He loves me when I am not worth loving.  This process has already taught me about this truly unconditional form of love.  Adoption is, in many ways, the heart of the Gospel.  God didn’t leave me an orphan.  Instead He adopted me to Himself and is my Father.  Likewise, I will not leave this child where she is…rather I will love her until she can learn to love herself and then I will love her more.  I will love her as my Father first loved me.  This is impossible without God. 

Something else was shared with me last night.  Some of these words were shared with me and others are my thoughts after this conversation. 

Chosen

Life is hard. Raising children is hard.  Raising an adopted child is doubly hard.  The fact that we adopted a teenager makes it seem impossible.  Now that we are home I am questioning my abilities.  I find myself feeling like a colossal failure and overwhelmed.  I have spoken with a dear friend who has walked this road before and she tells me this is all normal.  I can express these feelings to her because she gets it…she has done this…and she has come out on the other side.  She did not use these exact same words but her struggles were similar and she didn’t always feel quite so competent either.  She is a blessing for sharing her story with me.

In the short time since I walked Vika out of the orphanage I have learned that it’s not enough just to love this child. She needs more…so much more. And so I have spent quite the last week wallowing in my self-pity as I have come to realize that I don't have it in me to do this.  I have cried that I can’t…I have cried that I am not ready…I have cried that I don’t know how.  I am out of ideas, I have been out of patience a few times, and I am out of resources.  God has watched me wallow in this place.  I can feel Him tugging at me…at times I feel Him downright kick me.  I can feel (and almost see His hand reaching down to me).  But for some reason I continue to go back to the doubt and to the inadequacy. 

But then last night the same dear friend (a true GOD SENT friend) shared all of these thoughts with me.  Last night God whispered a sweet but  powerful word into my ear through her.

Chosen. I have tried to encourage my already adopted son, Thomas, and now new daughter  with this word. "I chose you," I have told them.  Out of all the children in this world, I chose you as my own.  Blank stare from Vika.  Thomas believes it…he was handed to me for the first time at 5 months and came home forever at 9 months.  He knows his story and trusts me and believes this.  Vika doesn’t yet.  She hasn’t known me long enough to trust and her short life has been filled with people she hasn’t been able to trust.  Right now she doesn’t appreciate this idea at all. Its just a word.

But tonight, through my sweet friend, God did not remind me of my choice. She reminded me of His. "I chose you," He told me.  Out of all the people in this world, I chose you to parent Vika.  Will I laugh at God and tell him he made a mistake?  Will I buckle underneath the weight that my God has gently laid upon my shoulders?

But when I feel like I am out of ideas or frustrated, God sends me a gift.  I am serious about this.  He has done this repeatedly for the last week.  Just when I think, no way…I cannot and will not do this He is there.  Last week it was the precious gift of many women (many whom I had never met) who held my hands, wiped my tears, and prayed with me and for me.  Last week it was the gift of a precious 14 year old waiting in Ukraine to come home to her family.  This angel took my daughter and spoke to her in her own language about her fears and just teen-age stuff.  I don’t know what the words were and don’t care…but they were healing words I know because my daughter returned to me changed in a small way.  Yesterday God’s gift to me was watching my daughter take $5 (of the $25 birthday money from Nana) from her pocket at church and place it in the offering plate.  I could almost hear God saying to me, “She is kind hearted and compassionate in spite of her past.  Be patient, Alison…this is going to be so beautiful in the end.”  Yesterday God’s gift to me was walking into a store near my home only to be followed in by someone calling my name.  This is a woman who is walking a similar journey and with whom I have spoken on many occasions, but never met.  She lives an hour and a half away and yet, there she was just when I needed an encourager.  God’s gift to me has been a woman who dropped everything to go to Ukraine with me for 8 days just because she cares.  She didn’t stop there…she was at the dentist with us the day after we returned and calls me many times a day just to see how we are.  And God’s gift has been the one to speak all of this to me.  She has raised teenagers before and understands…and she has adopted children at this age as well.  What a blessed gift!

But God has given another gift through all of this.  Grace.   Yes…Grace!  I may be out of ideas but I am not out of grace. I may be out of patience but I am not out of grace. I may be out of resources but I am not out of grace. In fact, there was new grace this morning. And like manna, there will be just enough new grace tomorrow morning…and every morning thereafter if I will accept it.

God chose me as the parent of this child, not because he saw something wonderful in me. In fact, he knew I couldn't handle it. He gave me the burden, knowing it was too much for me to bear. God chose me so that His power could be made perfect in my weakness.  Chosen.  It is not just a word. It is also a gift. It is an opportunity. It is a difficult and narrow road. Why would I have ever expected anything less?

And now may God grant me the strength to embrace his choice; to get up out of the miry clay of doubt and unbelief; and accept His generous outpouring of grace that supplies all my needs according to his riches in glory.

Melaney and I were talking on the plane ride home.  She put in words something that I had been unable to.  It is hard to believe that in the year 2011 no one has been to Chernigivka to give these children hope.  Yes, it is in the middle of nowhere but still…no missionary, no church, no one.  Our adoption is the first there.  As of now there are 4 more families waiting to bring their children home from there.  We know that Christ will not return until every ear has heard the Gospel.  In some way it feels like He may have checked Chernigivka off of the ‘list’…because they have heard and will continue to hear.  The families that are going after us will continue to share hope - the ultimate hope of Christ - with these children and the staff.  Please pray for all of the children there...you just have no idea...