Joy and Tears

April 28, 2011

What a day.  We really had a great visit with Vika.  You could just see by the look on her face today how special she felt.  She was beyond thrilled to see Thomas and us as well.  She had a perpetual smile on her face today that I did not see the entire time she stayed with us over Christmas. 

I posted earlier about having to leave, unexpectedly, to drive 170km to meet with her 17.5 year old brother in person and ask him to please sign papers allowing her to be adopted.  The officials weren’t 100% sure where he was but they located him in a dormitory of a trade school.  It turns out that at 17.5 he is married with a baby, but at least working towards a future.  As we drove the same road we had driven earlier this morning with so much anticipation I was sitting in the back seat filled with dread.  I knew SDA mentioned this but they really didn’t feel that he would have to be involved since a younger brother had already been adopted to a foreign family without him or Vika having to sign papers.  So I was shocked when this was the reality today.  I wasn’t ready to leave Vika yet and I didn’t want to do this.  How awful is it that a 14 year old and now a 17.5 old are dealing with such adult issues?  We learned a lot at SDA on Tuesday about what they had already dealt with and I was so frustrated with the process and what it was doing to them. 

On the way there our facilitator said we should stop and buy some chocolates or something for him.  My only thought was, OK…we can do that but is that supposed to make all of this ok?  It seemed like such a strange gesture, but I decided he knows best.  When we got there we spoke to a woman at the desk and asked to see him.  It was just a big, open, public room in the bottom of a depressed, dark building where a lot of kids were trying to get and/or keep their lives on track.  I don’t know what I expected, but when he walked out it was like staring at Vika.  They look exactly alike.  He truly is a handsome boy.  He was very polite but quiet and took our chocolate.  Sergey, our facilitator, told him about us and we had taken a photo album.  We showed him those photos and the pictures we had just taken at the orphanage with Vika.  All he said was, “I will sign.  Please give me the paper.”  He had to write it twice…why, I am not sure.  Maybe he messed up the first version, but you could see this was very hard for him.  He was wiping tears away by the time he finished writing it twice.  Sergey had to take pictures of him signing (as proof that he did it on his own).  After that we asked could we please take a couple of pictures with him.  By this point I could barely look at him without breaking out in tears.  We all made it through the pictures (you can imagine how they look) and then he walked off with his chocolate.  He went to the woman who was at the door/check in.  He started crying.  She was very compassionate with him and he allowed her to comfort him and stroke his hair.  Sergey had us leave without saying anything else.  Of course at this point I am in tears and wanted to go to him.  I feel guilty that in some way we are taking her away.  We gave him every email and phone number and an address to reach her and he gave us his cell number.  It is my commitment and will be my passion to make sure that they stay in touch.  I also want to find their half-brother, Denis, who has already been adopted out of country. 

I know that he cannot take care of her.  I know that he has his own family.  I know that this is what Vika wants and what he wants for her.  But how sick is this that these two CHILDREN had to do this today?  It was unbearable to watch at the end.  I am so broken for what I am seeing here in Ukraine.  I knew I would not be the same person after being here…that is already true.  My heart breaks for this young man that was so honorable and stood up and did the right thing for her today.  As my friend, Melaney, said…he is the hero here today.  I only hope he knows it. 

Melaney, thank you for reminding me of this song a few days ago.  Who knew how much it would mean to me today…

You didn’t ask for this, nobody ever would

Caught in the middle of this dysfunction

It’s your sad reality

It’s your messed up family tree

And all you’re left with…all these questions

……

This is not your legacy

This is not your destiny

Yesterday does not define you

No, this is not your legacy

This is not your meant to be

I can break the chains that bind you…

I will post in the morning about the area, the orphanage, the roads (!!) and a lot more for families who will have the privilege of being here soon.  I am drained tonight and am going to crawl in bed with my two favorite boys in Ukraine (Thomas and Jason!!) and rest.  We have appointments tomorrow and will be back at the orphanage tomorrow.  We have decided to stay at Chernigivka so we are close to her and the kids.  Strangely, it seems like a place of comfort to us right now, even to Thomas.  He was so happy there!  Amazing how walls, buildings, things, and superficial comforts are meaningless when everything becomes so raw.  Amazing how kids bond and connect despite language and possessions.  It is not the greatest of accommodations, but it is where we want to be.